What if the worst were to happen?
Would I be forced to feed its parasitic seed?
At the end, when its seed is extracted,
It will have drained my soul, trust, hope, and joy.
Once the seed is planted,
My humanity has been ripped from me.
I’ll be nothing but a wilted flower;
Dried from the inside out.
The decaying, fallen petals are my tears of melancholy;
What little of me is left will be a husk,
Of the woman I used to be.
Sometimes I hate how stupid and shallow others are and how much they look and act like me… ☼ Sometimes I think I second-guess myself too much; but, …Sometimes…
“Sometimes I wish I were transparent because I get tired of having to move when people want to see something behind me.”
So powerful, and so human. Highly recommend the read!
Sometimes, the truth is so much worse than you think, but despite the sheer amount of pain that it causes can be the key to setting you free. What they say is true: Freedom isn’t free.
Living in silence is not living; it’s oppression and fear.
Reaching out to find an answer is better than not ever knowing. Knowledge is power, and I am powerful.
When things are hard, go to your girlfriends and talk some mad smack, and then work through it. It’s the unwritten Burn Book, and it is magical.
Stop looking allowing people from your past take away from the now. You can’t take it back, and you didn’t know.
You are so much stronger than you think.
Finally, the sun will keep shining, time will keep moving, and as long as I take the time to breathe, I’m going to be okay.
I am in exactly the right place at every moment.
I started this journey in 2019, and since then, I have had my heart and life shattered, I have quietly sorted out most of the pieces, put them back together, only to have my heart shattered again. Then, it felt as if the pieces had been stolen by The Pandemic.
This time, organizing the pieces will still be painful, but putting them back together will be simpler, because I know how to better organize and fit them into place, delicately and deliberately. I am in exactly the right place at every moment.
I am loved.
I am grateful.
I am wise.
I am fierce.
I am resilient.
I am empowered.
I am Enough.
I am a woman that owns my sexuality.
I am the daughter of domestic abuse.
I am a partner, and a soul mate, and a lover.
I am worthy of love and belonging.
I am a dreamer in a rigid world.
I am the woman your mother warned you about; the one that stands her ground, and the star peg in the round hole.
I am a lonely lotus.
The Woman in Black.
The Phoenix Risen.
And I am here to Fuck. Shit. Up.
It’s been almost two months since I’ve seen or physically spoke to either of my parents. To say that putting them on a “time out” for awhile was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, is an understatement. The pain and trauma of having to realize that my parents are not on my side, and that at the core, only care about what other people think of me, has put a strain on my relationship with them that I don’t think will ever be forgotten. People keep telling me that I need to forgive them, that it will set me free, and while that may be true someday, I don’t think that pain will ever go away.
And when you think about forgiveness, it’s an odd beast: it’s a thing that you’re supposed to do, because that’s what society tells you to do, but it’s an incredibly painful and vulnerable process. Berkley defines forgiveness as a, “conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness.” Get that: it is a conscious, deliberate decision, whether they deserve it or not.
And what if you don’t feel like they do? For example, it’s hard to imagine forgiving the cheating ex-boyfriend that left you for a chick that matched his “true ideals”; I feel like part of the heartache is always wondering if it was something to do with you, if you were to blame.
But the reality is, forgiveness is not about the other person, it’s giving yourself permission to move on; you can’t force it, it has to come with time and proper processing.
I know that as of right now, it isn’t time to forgive yet; I still have a lifetime of memories and lessons to process: my parents divorce and subsequent nasty custody war, my mom’s co-dependence, both of my parents’ low-key racism, antiquated beliefs on marriage and the woman’s role in it, is something that I’m trying to separate from, but after 30 years of hearing that your opinion is wrong, and theirs is right, it’s a slow process.
My parents tried to control every aspect of my life; my father blatantly, and my mother by planting little seeds of doubt. They both used their powers of guilt and shame against me for years. After all, I am the oldest child, and was raised to be an obedient people pleaser, so it was easy for them.
Good things are finally starting to happen though: my “fiancé” and I are finally planning our wedding, engagement photos, etc. and I could not be happier about planning it with him. I’ve also reconnected with some people that I’ve loved for many years but had disconnected with. We have a brand new (to us) beautiful apartment in which we finally feel like we’re home (even if it is on the third floor).
I love my parents, and I miss them, but for the first time in years, I feel like I have room to breathe, grow and excel without fear of disappointing them.
I also feel like I can finally be myself instead of having to pretend to be the daughter they wanted.
I am a Phoenix, a lotus flower, and a survivor.
My Faith has withered, its leaves have all turned brown; The once luscious blooms turn dark, the edges start to crumble.
“I’m going through a hard time” has turned into “I have a hard life”. Nothing else can exist; Nothing will ever be enough to satisfy the black hole that resides in place of your soul.
A once deep adoration is now dead; The petals are being plucked and only the rotten stem remains.
I have no trust, no faith,
But I am free.
I will spread my wings of fiery conviction; My faith is now in myself: A lonely lotus with he frog prince, a Phoenix with her fiery spirit.
I am the Autumnal Phoenix.