I started this journey in 2019, and since then, I have had my heart and life shattered, I have quietly sorted out most of the pieces, put them back together, only to have my heart shattered again. Then, it felt as if the pieces had been stolen by The Pandemic.
This time, organizing the pieces will still be painful, but putting them back together will be simpler, because I know how to better organize and fit them into place, delicately and deliberately. I am in exactly the right place at every moment.
I am loved.
I am grateful.
I am wise.
I am fierce.
I am resilient.
I am empowered.
I am Enough.
I am a woman that owns my sexuality.
I am the daughter of domestic abuse.
I am a partner, and a soul mate, and a lover.
I am worthy of love and belonging.
I am a dreamer in a rigid world.
I am the woman your mother warned you about; the one that stands her ground, and the star peg in the round hole.
Preface: I started writing this article in late August, and as I have revisited my feelings, I realized I have a lot to say, so I have decided to release this piece into either 2-3 segments, depending on how many more feelings I have. Why? Cause it’s my blog and I can bitches!!
I’ve had a deep-festering anger growing since September 11th, 2001. It was the day the life I knew up until that point, was over. My childhood innocence, what little was left, was robbed from me as a I watched two planes slam into The World Trade Center, one at a time, over and over again, on the news.
I was twelve years old on the day my world ended..
And I’m aware this seems over dramatic, but in my twelve year old mind, my world was over.
And in a way, it truly was, because the world that WE knew as a society was over. Bad stuff like that didn’t happen in America; it happened over there. The illusive over there.
I started to witness Islamophobia in a boy from Afghanistan, who was relentlessly bullied. And in evening programming like NCIS, which I see clearly in adulthood, was covert propaganda. These shows demonized brown people, especially men, as terrorists, and gave praise to torture and detainment in facilities like Guantanamo Bay. I say “facilities like” very purposefully, because there are illegal US detainment centers all over the world.
Real men were tortured through expected methods like waterboarding, but also cruel tactics like stripping them naked in a room full of other men, forcing them to stand exposed and vulnerable for everyone to see. Not only is that humiliating and dehumanizing, but in Islam, modesty is a key part of their beliefs. They are both psychologically and spiritually tortured. But (one of the most) horrifying of all was Rectal Rehydration. This is involves having pureed food being fed to detainees through a tube in their anus. Their anus!! That’s some shit only Stephen King should be able to think of. Sources are listed below.
This morning I read an article from Al-Jazeera stating the men suspected of being involved with the plotting of September 11. These men have been held in detainment for 20 years without having faced trial, which is a gross violation of human rights.
But we’ll get there. First, we’ll start from the beginning.
The day began like everyone else felt: a normal, nice day, that slowly unraveled into chaos. I was at school in orchestra class when the chaos began, and I have so many vivid memories of the day that feel unreal now.
I can remember the moment I stepped into the dining room of my kitchen, which was connected to the living room. I stopped to see the TV playing, in the corner of my eye, the footage on (probably) CNN. I watched the tragedy, and time stopped; everything else for the rest of the day is a blur; America and the world sat in silent horror as we all collectively understood what was happening.
I was only in front of the TV for a moment, but that moment was eternity. My soul snapped that day, and at that moment, at twelve years old, my soul ignited in a blue blaze. I didn’t know it then, but it was at that very moment I knew I was born to fight.
I am a fighter. I’ve been a feisty bitch my whole life. You can ask my momma.
I wasn’t born to sit and watch the world around me; I was born to fight for what was right. I didn’t (and still don’t always) know what right was, but I sure as fuck knew what it wasn’t.
When the detested Star Wars: Episode 1-3 came out, I was entranced by Queen Amidala. Mind you, I’m aware she’s a movie character, but I saw so much of myself in Amidala: she was smart, assertive, kind, but commanded authority. She saw corruption when others didn’t, and the moment I heard her utter, “So this is how liberty dies; with thunderous applause,” my world was again changed.
To this day, Episodes 1-3 of the Star Wars franchise have a special place in my heart, even if there was zero chemistry between Christian Haydensen and Natalie Portman, and the CGI was just terrible. Oh. And Jar Jar. Terrible.
These are the words I had been searching for since I watched the planes tear into the tower, literally causing an avalanche of paper, dust, soot, and whatever else, and when The Bush Administration declared war on Iraq.
And now, twenty years later, we have come full circle with Afghanistan. We have left the country in a complete state of darkness, with no line of defense, and no hope. We have fulfilled the prophecies of the Al Quaeda. The US government was only interested in the resources of the Middle East, which is surprisingly not just oil.
The US set up occupation in Afghanistan in the early 2000’s, and after 20 years, with zero aftercare planned, we pulled out (lolol) completely as The Taliban retook the government and immediately began implementing sexist legislation. As of 2 days ago, men are no longer able to teach co-ed classes, so once again, the education for Afghani women will be revoked, and they will be forced to live in fear, without education. For those who aren’t familiar, taking away the education of the people is an easy way for dictators to keep their subjects under a tight thumb.
Thank you in advance for your time; time is our most precious asset, so thank you for investing your asset into my work.
My husband shared with me that I tend to bull doze over his needs. And Damn that hit hard. I don’t want to be that type of partner.
Thank you, Goddess, for giving Patrick the courage to share his feelings with me. I am profoundly grateful for his courage to setting the framework for boundaries. I’m so, so proud of him. I’m infinitely grateful to be one half of our whole.
Thank you in advance for keeping Patrick’s needs a fore thought until it becomes second-nature. Thank you in advance for forgiving myself for bull dozing Patrick’s needs; my needs were bull dozed as a child. It’s the only thing I’ve known my whole life. I’m doing my best.
Thank you in advance for a change in my career by entering the law field. Thank you in advance for the opportunity with B’s divorce law office. Thank you in advance for my sponge mind to soak up all of the information for experience. Thank you in advance for the practical knowledge of law, going into law school.
Thank you in advance for the double money during 21 DOB. I am grateful that K contacted me for that time frame, and that she’s willing to work around my schedule at the law firm.
Thank you in advance for allowing that extra income to fund my Maritime Tour. Thank you in advance for a Very Newfie Christmas in Nova Scotia, with Linda, Eric, Dave, Sandra, Scott, and Mayvis and Jade.
Thank you in advance for our safety during Cvd Delta. We are scared of being infected by this mutated virus, and are grateful for our health.
Thank you in advance for art and creativity, for laughter, and for love. Thank you in advance for safety, financial security, and creating a successful side hustle.
I’m grateful for self-awareness, and my growing self-confidence. Thank you in advance for setting the example of confidence and tenacity, for Patrick to learn by my lead.
Thank you in advance for a manageable menstruation, and for continuous efficacy of barrier BC. We have decided to remain childless, and thank you in advance for no pregnancy.
Thank you in advance for a marvelous week, full of knowledge, newness, and creativity. Thank you for my health; I’m profoundly grateful for all of your gifts, Goddess.